13SLC FACS OUTING;

but somehow everything just screwed up. i was trying to be happy and join in, but vivian just had to dump me there to go and get wanxin from the airport. not that i’m jealous, though i’m a bit, the main thing is that, i know she will never go fetch me from the airport ever in my life. what’s more is that she treats me as her so-called bestie. what the hell.

i guess we’re drifting further and further? we don’t talk on the phone as much anymore. i should just shut up about all this, i didn’t even treat her as my best friend in the first place anyway, it was all on her part. we’re just close, that’s about it. in fact, i dont even know how i feel about her. i hate having best friends, being so close and when everything ends, the damge is done and the scars will always be there.

today’s outing was mainly just stoning around. i was feeling really emo since morning and i just couldn’t hide it anymore. i’m sick of everything, tired of acting like i’m happy when i’m not. and being with the female facs, i’m rarely happy. try being left out whether on intention or not, whether i made it to be or not? how can i be happy? i’m so tired and sick of acting high and happy and excited about everything. i’m so tired of making so much noise, sick of trying to blend in. i’m not going to bother anymore, i will stand out or be left out. it doesn’t make a difference anymore. i don’t really care anymore.

yitong came and joined us later on after we had our lunch. and vionna and i went to accompany her for lunch. we’ll feel much better not being with the facs anyway. yitong is really nice, like awwww…

emoing with vionna was really relaxing for me. they went to cycle for two hours and vionna and i decided not to join in. yitong tried to persuade us but i guess we were kind of stubborn. she went ahead, we’ll feel really bad if she didnt go because of us. sitting at subway for an hour, walking for another hour, time passed really fast and we were still really sad about everything. and jay fell down while biking and looking at his wounds make me think of how injured i am mentally. and it really looked like it hurt. gosh, jay, i hope you’re really alright.

as zachary and cheng aik wanted to take a cab to the nearest mrt station, vionna and i follwed them and shared the cab. was acting really high in the cab because i thought i could finally try to be a bit happier in front of lesser people. but i guess it didnt really work out since the guys thought i was being stupid and retarded, gave up totally.

in the train, zachary started talking about facs stuff, i seriously couldn’t take it and started tearing. zachary was quite lost and decided to shut up. and vionna was really sweet.

as zachary lived in bishan, we took the same train, and we started talking again. i started tearing again. gosh. i suck.

i guess i’m being too sensitive? i dont know. i feel lost and my heart feels super duper full. and there’s no one who’s willing to let me pour everything out. somehow, it feels as if nothing clicks anymore. everything’s falling apart and many pieces seem to have disappeared by themselves. everything’s gone.

i apologised to zachary through sms about my emoness and he asked me not to slash myself. so nice of him. i almost wanted to but i was too emo to think of that. just wanted to cry my guts out.
vionna, yitong and zachary is the love<3