Afraid
Just when it’s getting good
I slowly start to freeze
Just when it’s feeling real
I put my heart to sleep
It’s the memory I can see
Then this fear comes over me
Understand that I don’t mean
To push you away from me

[Chorus]
Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again
I don’t know, I can’t see, what’s come over me
Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again
I don’t know, I can’t see, what’s come over me

You got a way of easing me out of myself
I can’t stay but I can’t leave, I am my worst enemy
Please understand that its not you it’s what I do
Just when I’m about to run
I realize what I’ve become

[Chorus]

Now I wonder what you think of me
Don’t know why I break so easily
All my fears are armed surrounding me
I can’t get no sleep
I keep runnin in circles around you
Are you the trap I wanna fall into??

[Chorus]

another day of school thinking about slc. and i guess im not really coping. im getting really forgetful and unfocused.

i’ve got to wake up, wake up and stop dreaming.

and i think i can do it. but i dont want to, and i cant.

13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;
13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;13slc;

first day of school after a whole so-called one month rest. i guess i’ve not had my rest, with all the SLCs, the PITCH and other events. but i guess, everything is worth it, worth it totally.

a whole new experience, a whole new journey, a whole new group of friends. everything still seems so new to me and i still havent forgotten the first facs briefing– 22nd may 2007. it was a whole new experience for me and i guess we made a good entrance, by being late. i cant believe how close we are now and how open we are to each other compared to the first time we saw each other.

until now, i still cant let go, i still cant forget. i dont want to let go, i dont want to forget. for once, im scared, really afraid that in this fast-paced world, one day all of us will not have the time to just stop and think of 13slc, and the people involved. and we’ll just forget, and i’ll just forget. and one day, all of us will just stop turning up for facs outings and facs outings will stop being organised. and all of the memories and the relationships we share with each other will just go up in smoke.

i’m scared. very scared. dawn, help me. you’re the only fac which will be journeying with me the most. i know you’ll probably be thinking the same way as me, but i guess it might all be reality if we dont put in any effort. dawn, i guess we just have to rely on each other to remind each other of the memories.

for the whole of today, ‘you and me’ have been repeating itself in my head over and over again. during math, chinese, biology, literature, chemistry, it just kept repeating in my head. and the words ‘you and i collide’ kept showing up everywhere. gosh. 13slc blues are never ending, it’s forever. sometimes, these feelings make me regret becoming a fac but i guess the facs are what make me what i am today–a different person. i guess the facs are what make me live, and make me treasure the people around me more for fear that one day, i’ll just forget everyone.

i just want to be with the facs, knowing that we’re with each other makes me live.
i just want to be at 13slc all over again and this time, i’ll treasure every single millisecond.
i just want to be at soccer, playing with all of you as a team.
i just want to be there, experiencing it all over again.
i just want the facs.

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time

Cause it’s you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it’s you and me and all other people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right
I’m tripping on words
You’ve got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here

Cause it’s you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it’s you and me and all other people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

There’s something about you now
I can’t quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it’s you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it’s you and me and all other people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it’s you and me and all other people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

SOCCER;

i guess soccer with the facs is just another way for me to seek solace, thru being with them. i realise how much i actually miss all of them even though we’ve seen each other during the past weeks. i guess this is why i suggested every week or fortnightly. soccer with them made me a different person, or should i say, i learnt a lot about encouragement. and i believe that’s an important factor when it comes to life. and soccer in hwachong is really my encouragement, my motivation and it does comforts me to know that i’m with the facs.

overall, it was really fun because i was in the game not as a goalie but more of an attacker or defender. and most importantly, i wore shoes this time, instead of slippers. and that made tackling easier and fun(: but one thing that i cant stand is that the guys dont treat us properly! they dont dare to tackle us and they keep giving in to us. RAHH. even though we’re not good, you dont have to give in to us! and we dont want you to give in!

and today, quite a lot turned up–zachary, zhiyi, aaron, don, warren, ainslie, melanie, alison, dawn, jerrold, alvin, chengaik, hongliang, jonneo, chenxing, nathaniel, baifeng(for a while), boonyang, shijia, jiawei, david as well as akilan and alan. and i’m really happy because i think the turnout was pretty good.

and today was kind of weird as the soccer ball flew into the houses behind the volleyball court, where we were playing. first time, the ball flew into a house with nobody at home. and chenxing climbed over the fence of their school and luckily, the ball was at the gate of the house. so it’s not that bad. the second time, it flew into a house but we couldnt retrieve it. but the maid took it for us afterwards(:

soccer was really great even though it was really hot today(: and i didnt put sunscreen, not like i usually put also. and yayness to ZHIYI! he was really nice and encouraging and made everything really fun! cant really name the rest since we had a shuffling of groups after a while. he was the only one i remember still in my group and CHENXING too(: DAWN/DON pawnzxzxzx!

then they played with the 12 slc facs, 13slc PAWNZXZXZXZX. their goalie sucks la, thats why they kept changing. our goalie rocks la–DON(: and i just realised that chuanyi was from 12 slc and he’s sec 4, i didnt know. no wonder look so not-sec three.

OH. and i found out who chenxing is! can’t believe he’s from china because he totally dont look like and dont sound like. and he’s really funny. china de, dont know chinese word. sighh!

and i realised someone’s pretty gay when he runs and when he does a header. haha. im so evil. and today we kept putting mel and warren together as they went to eat togetehr before coming. also dont know why, he lives in serangoon but he go all the way to pasir ris to eat macs, and with mel. weirdd. though they said it was a coincidence.

first day of job attachment was kind of slack. or perhaps it was because of the excitement factor. oh so exciting. time passes so slowlyyy when you do admin stuff. in short, boringggg.

and daryl’s kind of weird. he sent me a message, “kenneth ler loves jodie.” weirddd..

i dont know why but i just miss 13slc a lot. kept thinking of street soccer and my great team–aaron, zachary, timothy, alan and chengaik

school’s starting soon and all the facs will get busy. and slowly, we’ll busy ourselves so much that we have no time to stop and remind ourselves of 13slc. but i doubt any of the facs will do that. 13 slc takes up 80% of our mind and it’ll just slowly get lesser but i bet it’ll still occupy a huge space. or least i know it will still occupy a huge part of my mind because it’s my motivation.(:

rahh.. i want facs soccer.

//edit

MISSING EVERYONE?

hey people!

are you all missing everybody just like zachary and i? or perhaps you’re missing playing soccer with US, US, US?

then pop down at hwachong this saturday and let your hair down justbefore school reopens on monday!

meet back at the great and wonderful CLOCK TOWER at the perfect time of 9!

and we’ll head for SOCCER where we will have a BALL of a time! ((:

brought to you by JODIE AND ZACHARY(:

whoots~!

yay. changed my blogskin.(:

i realised i didnt blog about THE PITCH results at all. it’s kind of unexpected but we got FOURTH, which is also last out of the top 4.

i expected us to get at least top 3 after watching the hwachong and acs(i) present, i thought the acs(i) project was not feasible and the hwachong’s project was not of high quality material. but somehow, acs(i) got second and hwachong, first. dunman got third.

seriously, i think dunman deserved better. and like what nicole said, “we deserved better. ST NICKS DESERVED BETTER.”

oh wells. what to do? it’s a hwachong competition, with several of the judges from hwachong, hwachong is bound to win and they did.

it’s okay, at least i know we did well. our perform@ trainer reassured us. he does such stuff too and he really thought ours and dunman was the better two compared to the top 2 winners. and he offered eehui and i a job in his company and that is like fantabulous. and not to forget, we got two hundred dollar kinokuniya vouchers. yay(: i can buy books, though i don’t know what books to buy. it’s sixty dollars each anyway, can buy about three books or so.

and i’ve finally thought it through and i’m fine and normal now. how do i know?

because i’m missing 13slc.

ACJC CROSSROADS;

just another stint to promote their school. sadly, i guess it kind of disappointed me.

one. the bus ride there is like a million years long. and we still have to walk a long way to the school gate. and imagine if it’s raining? you’ll be DRENCHED.

two. the school is not pretty. i thought st nicks was bad enough but this is like worse. i want a gorgeous school like hwachong.

three. the postion of the school is BAD. it has sun all day and the heat is, gosh, KILLING.

four. i thought their school was big but it proved me wrong.

five. we cant step on their school track for fear that we will ‘erode’ the track.

six. the bus ride back is even longer. one and a half hours. super duper long.

seven. i still want my hwachong. xD

however, the whole thing was quite fun consisting of only games. but i guess i learnt a lot from there. and i love LYCOS– joy(facil), raylia, louisa, anne, sherrie, poh hui, bryan and me.

raylia was from PSC! supposedly the one who was flirting with haojie. i thought so too but i guess she’s really nice and not as bimbotic as she seems. she’s kind of tomboyish according to her. haha.

louisa was from 13slc! from freya, shijia’s group. cool eh. and sherrie was from 12slc! COOLCOOL!(:

ella went too.(: missed her loads! and there was a lot of people from 13slc. doubly COOL.

“introduce yourself– your name, school and something interesting about yourself.”
[i'm jodie, from st nicks and i was a hwachong 13slc facilitator.]

isn’t that interesting? you bet.

FACS OUTING TWO;

reached there at 1015 thinking that iw ill be alone because the girls will obviously be LATE, but natalie came along! reached the clock tower and saw jonneo and alvin. choojun came shortly after but only jonneo was joining us as the pair had rehearsals. everybody was kind of late, or should i say very late. like 11 plus? so we went to the soccer court and they played. i stoned as i didnt felt like playing and i was wearing slippers.

then a guy called alan came along and joined in. it was quite fun looking at them play until alan injured his shoulder and didnt want to be a goalie anymore. he was a great goalie as he was really agile and flexible since he was in gym. they made me join them and be a goalie. i was in the same team as aaron, zachary, timothy and alan. it was really fun though it hurt since i kept getting hit by the ball. all the guys were super nice.(: i thought goalie was super important but they let me be and when i let the ball go in, they were fine with it and was really nice to me.

then alan wanted to be the goalie so i joined the game. the guys were damn nice. they let me have the ball at times event though they know i couldnt play. other guys wont la. they are such nice people.(:

then after playing, we went for lunch at coronation plaza. i was walking with aaron since he said he was a sociable person and stuff. and kenneth, zachary and zhiyi was walking a few metres behind, chatting. then when we walked out of the gate, i realised it was super quiet behind and aaron and i turned behing. guess what? the three of them were sitting on the steps and taking photos of aaron and i. =.= damn lame.

liting and timothy joined us for lunch and it was really funny as we were making liting guess who’s not even connected to 13slc at all. and she thought it was minhua and alan kept telling her that he’s called long chuan and zachary was desmond chong. HILARIOUS! then we went to J8 and went to the arcade. dawn and i suck at shooting baskets. we got like 18 points only. hahahs. but we rock at the find the diffferences game. hahahs. we walked for a while then bought a drink and went home.

and i realised we all live quite near each other. sembawang, serangoon, bishan, thomson. next time should have an outing nearby la.

and i want regular soccer games at hwachong. like play soccer on saturdays then do homework with dawn afterwards. shiok arh! and next time must put sunblock on my face. ive got sunburns again. tsktsk. it havent even recovered from the previous outing and now i got burnt again. and my slippers tanline is there. so cute! but im tanned! yoohooo! though it’s kind of uneven but it’s nice(:

all i can say now is that primary slc is over with a lot of memories for me to bring home. and not to forget, it’s time to start on my homework.

[discipline, jodie, discipline.]

jodie, dont forget about the balloon you let off today with your wishes of getting into hwachong. it wont happen unless you work hard.

two days and i really had a lot of fun and new experiences. especially with the primary five and six students who are really fun loving and adorable. and not to forget, my summerbabes.(: with their sweet cheers which brightens up my day and i’m not going to hear them anymore.:(

and not to forget, my group ONE(: will remember this enriching experience forever.:D

made this as a card for them:

so many people are going emo over 13slc again. i guess it’s really hard to forget it. but it seems like i’m starting to treat it normally because it’s kind of tough to feel as if i fit in. and i guess for the time being, i’ll leave it this way.

i feel so cheated. or should i say he betrayed my trust? or should i say i dont get what he’s thinking and how his life is like? first, he has an elder brother and it ends up that the elder brother is a godbrother and all of a sudden, a younger brother pops out. and he TOTALLY ignores his younger brother. i dont see why he has to do this. whats more is that the brother is secondary one and they only have a three year gap. don’t understand why he doesnt talk to him. maybe it’s like what charissa said–inferiority complex. but i dont’ see why he has to feel inferior. he’s quite good looking and he’s talented. only flaw–short. but he’s such a nice guy. i don’t get it. i seriously dont.

and i doubt i want to care anymore.

“ESPECIALLY FOR JODIE! hey. the convention ended. it had been some while ever since. but still, u are still the best wonderful facs i knew. i still rmb the first day we met,u told us to be enthu. i knew u were fun. those words u encourage. though we may nt be the best team, but we have the best fac. i always mock abt u as hippo. but, u are still as perfect as cinderella in BRIDGET’S heart. i still rmb whn u cried,almost all of us were worried. i would lyk to thank u for the wonderful memories u set in my heart. really. thanks so much jodie (:Vincent#03″

so sweet. 13slc is seriously the love<3

as for primary slc, group one is the love!<3 though at times i have to zi high, i really have fun! especially with my summerbabes from IJTP–kaela,maggie and megan! today’s the first day and tomorrow will be the last. the convention is so so short! i will miss group one!

after crying and letting myself go, i realised perhaps i didn’t realise, like what vivian said.

but last night, when i really needed someone to talk to, there was seriously no one. i was hoping to talk to this certain someone since afternoon but that certain someone was with the facs, and that seriously made me even sadder. not that i have a crush on that certain someone or what, but there was nobody to talk to. i felt so alone.

but i guess i was just acting dumb as usual.

i’m such a freak.

13SLC FACS OUTING;

but somehow everything just screwed up. i was trying to be happy and join in, but vivian just had to dump me there to go and get wanxin from the airport. not that i’m jealous, though i’m a bit, the main thing is that, i know she will never go fetch me from the airport ever in my life. what’s more is that she treats me as her so-called bestie. what the hell.

i guess we’re drifting further and further? we don’t talk on the phone as much anymore. i should just shut up about all this, i didn’t even treat her as my best friend in the first place anyway, it was all on her part. we’re just close, that’s about it. in fact, i dont even know how i feel about her. i hate having best friends, being so close and when everything ends, the damge is done and the scars will always be there.

today’s outing was mainly just stoning around. i was feeling really emo since morning and i just couldn’t hide it anymore. i’m sick of everything, tired of acting like i’m happy when i’m not. and being with the female facs, i’m rarely happy. try being left out whether on intention or not, whether i made it to be or not? how can i be happy? i’m so tired and sick of acting high and happy and excited about everything. i’m so tired of making so much noise, sick of trying to blend in. i’m not going to bother anymore, i will stand out or be left out. it doesn’t make a difference anymore. i don’t really care anymore.

yitong came and joined us later on after we had our lunch. and vionna and i went to accompany her for lunch. we’ll feel much better not being with the facs anyway. yitong is really nice, like awwww…

emoing with vionna was really relaxing for me. they went to cycle for two hours and vionna and i decided not to join in. yitong tried to persuade us but i guess we were kind of stubborn. she went ahead, we’ll feel really bad if she didnt go because of us. sitting at subway for an hour, walking for another hour, time passed really fast and we were still really sad about everything. and jay fell down while biking and looking at his wounds make me think of how injured i am mentally. and it really looked like it hurt. gosh, jay, i hope you’re really alright.

as zachary and cheng aik wanted to take a cab to the nearest mrt station, vionna and i follwed them and shared the cab. was acting really high in the cab because i thought i could finally try to be a bit happier in front of lesser people. but i guess it didnt really work out since the guys thought i was being stupid and retarded, gave up totally.

in the train, zachary started talking about facs stuff, i seriously couldn’t take it and started tearing. zachary was quite lost and decided to shut up. and vionna was really sweet.

as zachary lived in bishan, we took the same train, and we started talking again. i started tearing again. gosh. i suck.

i guess i’m being too sensitive? i dont know. i feel lost and my heart feels super duper full. and there’s no one who’s willing to let me pour everything out. somehow, it feels as if nothing clicks anymore. everything’s falling apart and many pieces seem to have disappeared by themselves. everything’s gone.

i apologised to zachary through sms about my emoness and he asked me not to slash myself. so nice of him. i almost wanted to but i was too emo to think of that. just wanted to cry my guts out.
vionna, yitong and zachary is the love<3

the pitch in just a few more hours! gasp!

i’m going to be so disappointing. i’m so prepared but i just can’t overcome my stage fright. i know i can do it, i know i can, but i’m just going to screw the whole thing up. i know my stuff, i know that, i know i can be confident, but somehow, the confident me hasn’t been coming out for speeches. i can never do presentations. ZOMG.

and daryl is going. gosh gosh. i’m so going to lose it. NONO. SEAN’s presenting too as he got merit. i need something to calm me down and give me assurance.

ZOMG. i just realised how much i want this. and i can’t achieve it. ZOMG.

THE PITCH 2007;

great thing that i got into top 4 giving me the GREAT excuse for going back to hwachong.

yesterday, we went for a speech workshop in conjunction with the competition. vivian and i went there an hour earlier, wanting to emo for a while and guess what? once i got through the security gate, i caught sight of a familiar face–QUEK BAIFENG. was super happy and went to give him a HUGE hug, hugging in euphoria till i noticed AW WEN HAO staring at us with a huge ‘?’ on his face. gosh. that’s like such a huge embarrassment. but still, the happiness took over it immediately. as we roamed around the school further and ended up sitting on the steps leading to the field, more people appeared, such as boonyang, benjamin and not to forget, KENNETH BAOBEI. i was super happy and i felt like i was on CLOUD NINE. not just that, the flirt, aaron, appeared from the corner of my eye but it appears that he didnt notice us. and when we left the school, i met zhiyi!(: *someone’s jealous*

so lousy. at night when we were mass convo-ing, it appears that DON noticed me, and not vivian. HOHOHO. he was having training at the track, and noticed my back view. so OBSERVANT of him(:

then i stayed over at eehui’s house! daddy allowed! we had to rush out our powerpoint and i did it till 11.45pm. was super fun as eehui slept with her mum and i slept with vivian in her room. it was really fun as we had our own privacy and without eehui, we felt much better talking about guys and slc stuff, if not, she’ll feel really left out. and gosh, i confessed that i was desperate, but she confessed that she is too.(:

went to hwachong again today for the technical run. we went to the canteen and i thought that a guy looked really familliar. DARYL CHUA. super coincidental. then i met jerrold and he was saying that aaron and yoonsiang was in the school and asked if i wanted to go find them. so i followed him and he popped into the classroom and out, saying that they weren’t inside. i started walking away and he asked me if i wanted to say hi to MARK HEE. i was like, “NO!” and wanted to run away. and he said something like, “he very cute and nice what! and he’s about the same size as you!” and vivian was like laughing, “MARK’S HER UNCLE!” and he was so embarrassed, he ran off. HILARIOUS.

the whole thing was quite okay except for the fact that we left out a lot of details. AND THAT I HAVE STAGE FRIGHT. gosh gosh gosh. and first time I REALLY WANT TO WIN. the top four were from ACS, Dunman High, HCI and SNGS. we know we can win. the ACS’s project sucks, Dunman’s lack originality and creativity and HCI’s, cheng aik’s group, seems like the only rival since we’ve not seen theirs yet. i hope we do win. JIA YOU.

[i wish, i wish, i wish that the facs will be present to give us support--stop dreaming.]

13 SLC; a journey to remember

last day of slc, last day of slc, last day of slc. those words started ringing in my head even before it started. i guess during the facs briefing, i was really bonded with every single one of them and i knew that one day we have to say goodbye. and that day was yesterday, 2nd june.

performing as a fac, and being one was a great and enriching experience for me. the dance was one that i believe will not forget in the days to come. i really enjoyed the whole process, the whole learning journey and most importantly, the great facs–friends, good friends. as we starting getting nervous after realising that our turn to dance was coming soon, we started panicking. the dance that we’ve practiced so much, what if we screwed it up? that’ll be so disappointing, especially to the dancers who choreographed the dance. but all those worries were uncalled for as we ROCKED the house DOWN. the female facs were SEXY, not to forget, the male facs were HOT. i was confident that we could do it, as a whole group, and we did and i’m proud of ourselves.

we were great, and i’m sure of that. as i stepped down the stage with euphoria, i was really happy and high while watching the OTs performance, and the facs performance was OBVIOUSLY so many times better than theirs. xD the OT made a video montage showing the pictures of the past few days and i was really happy that all these had happened, and sad that it was going to be over. i burst out into tears with honghwee and we were crying more than the OT. sngs girls are emo queens. hugging together as a huge group, i thought of the many people i’ll miss– RGS: vionna, wanxin, alison, natalie, yi tong, melanie, HWACHONG: everybody (too many to list)

and my dance partner and baobei, yoonsiang and kenneth respectively. i thank them a lot for giving me a fabulous time, yoon siang for being such a sporting dance partner and kenneth for being my love for slc.

of course, vionna, sharon, honghwee, the gossipy foursome. discussing about guys to you all were great, though i guess i left out vivian. but it was really fun talking about the cute guys, and counting the number of guys i’m interested in. sadly, i have not come to a conclusion and i’m still making my choice.

and not to forget, my group BRIDGET. really appreciate your “jodie, bu yao ku!”. that really made me want to cry more because i was really touched by that. i’ve always thought that i was a really bad facil because i really couldn’t do anything when shawn and serinna started quarelling. i felt really bad and shi bai, and i really thought you all didn’t like me. but i guess all my doubts were cleared after you all showed that act. sorry that i embarrassed myself in front of everyone but i really thank all of you.

and i will also miss cheryl and nella from vesta, cheryl who was really sweet to give me cookies even though you didn’t really know me and nella whom i made cry. SO SORRY. but i will really miss you nella, so sorry to make you cry when hugging. we’ll meet again.

and thanks to thor’s partcipants who said i was really hyper, even though i didn’t think so but i appreciate that.

and to all facs, i’ll really miss all of you and i hope we will meet up soon. perhaps once every month at the gelato place. that’ll be real sweet.

now let me work hard hard to try and get in to hwachong jc.

13SLC; the BOMB

PROVISION FOR THE ELDERLY!