qihang yesterday and i went with eehui, louisa and vivian’s psc group mates, jon, glen and henry. henry has hair now! apparently grew it back, and valentia said i was flirting with him, whatever, not like he’s my type. to my horror, henry said that valentia was chio. EWW? seriously, i hate valentia, if she’s a nice person, i might say that she’s chio but she’s obviously not nice. can’t get guys, always look at looks and not character.

the shows were not bad but i loved the BLACK RIBBON PROJECT. the content was pretty cool with a nice plot and i thought their paijus paid off. as for vivian’s act, i thought it was not exactly very good, not being biased or what, but i felt the script wasn’t very good to start with. and the laughter, i should say, was kind of annoying. i was laughing along because i thought she was ridiculous. but overall, it was fine i guess. but i really thought the black ribbon project was good. FAB.

argh, can’t believe i’m mourning away even before the slc started. i’m already thinking about saturday when we’ll not see each other anymore. and tomorrow’s the BIG day for everybody, especially the OT. and now, instead of thinking about tomorrow, i’m already thinking about saturday and leaving the facs and OT.

when jon appeared to watch vivian in qihang, i was like ‘awww. how sweet?’

vivian’s act was MASK and i thought it kind of relates to me. how i hide my emotions by laughing and talking that it all becomes a part of me. HIDING is what i do best, but i’m starting to fail in hiding. i just can’t seem to hide behind a mask and act as if i don’t care anymore. and i’m starting to open up to the people around me and being myself. but that is a small percentage, i still can’t fully be myself in front of others. and the fact that i’ve been wearing this ‘mask’ for so long, makes it even harder to remove it and change myself. and i doubt i’m capable of doing it, i know what are my limits and i know i’m not just this standard. i know i can be a lot better but it seems that i’m not letting myself. this is like affecting my studies, my social life, myself. sigh, i seriously don’t know what to do about it. i think they should just leave me by myself and be a loner. i feel like i’ve let them down and i don’t think i deserve to be their bestie. i don’t deserve it, i’m not worth it.

i’m seriously not worth it. leave me alone to be a loser.

荡秋千
来回终究要停在原点
望太远
眼前幸福却忽略
晃半圈
圆不了爱恋
高一遍低一遍
风就吹散了永远
还想为你摇秋千
对着夕阳扮鬼脸
若月光再美一点
我们会否把手牵
还想被你碎碎念
当数流星的配乐
你却说你等不到天亮
空秋千陪整夜

秋千和我失眠
在你影子身边
这公园太想念
你无邪的笑脸

i’m starting to wonder if i’m getting more and more irritating. hongliang’s ignoring me. and i guess i’m really getting irritating. gosh gosh.

i had a really nice talk with nathaniel last night. and i really got to know him better, being shy and quieter. he’s a pretty nice guy if you talk to him on msn and i don’t blame him for being quiet. he don’t usually talk much to guys in the first place so i doubt he’ll talk more to girls. being quiet is really a virtue. you won’t get scolded for shooting your mouth off, scolded for talking at the wrong times and offending others. guess i should appreciate this virtue of nathaniel’s and learn from him. thank you nathaniel for ‘enlightening’ me, i appreciate that a lot! and not to forget, i’ll make the first move in saying ‘hi’ to you next time and smile.(:

[new resolution: reduce talking.]

i’m still thinking what will happen to the facs after friday, whether we’ll still meet up and stuff. i doubt so though. the same thing always happens, after the convention, the so-called keep-in-touch never happens. i haven’t met up with bering yet, only met some kara people and the PSLs of rgs. but i think this SLC is really quite rooted in me, i’m starting to miss people even though we’ve met each other a few times only. and we’re not going to see each other anymore after friday, maybe we will, that is if anyone plans and that i highly doubt. OR, i can get into raffles jc and meet the rgs girls or get into hwachong jc and meet the hwachong guys. which my choice is obviously, HWACHONG.

but it’s so tough for me without a motivation. but i guess i found a little motivation coming, and i guess it’s going to increase.

qihang’s later and i’m getting excited and happy for vivian. especially because of the fact that her crush is going to watch. lucky vivian, jonathan’s going to watch her. that’s like super lucky and from my point of view, fortunate. and from the way i see from vivian’s view, it’s so sweet. though they’re not an item, i can see vivian is really interested in this guy. and i’ve decided not to tease her about jonathan’s looks and *ahem, height.

hongliang brought up the words on wenhao’s arm during the briefing yesterday. I DID NOT WRITE THAT, IT WAS CHRISTABEL! and somehow, he knows that the *cough* was referring to me. why does everybody think that it’s me? i was pretty sure i wasn’t scandalizing with him, just pretty close to him, that’s all. i know how to differentiate my feelings. i know how to tell between friends, good friends and crushes. yes, i know im pro.

i guess i’m getting paranoid and overly sensitive. i really get bothered about what others say about me nowadays.:/ especially eehui’s words which in short meant ‘hurt’. i guess you just want to win us and i am sure you will because i really look up to you and really think you are smart. life is not all about competing and winning. at least, i dont think you look at things this way but there’s nothing i can do.

today’s the last facil briefing and gosh, i can’t believe i won’t be seeing them soon. like during the psc, we saw each other everyday, and all of a sudden we’re not going to see each other for a looooonnnnnggggg time. i sure will miss everything and everyone!

it was quite fun since our grup was really actively participating in consortium meeting B and giving comments and making amendments. it felt really good to see such enthusiasm since we were all quite shy and dead for the past few days. and rahh, i don’t like sharon calling me librarian. everybody’s super shocked that i’m in library, i guess it’s pretty unbelievable but it’s a fact that i’m in library.

i kept irritating daryl today especially since today he was teaching us some of the new games. and i realised how cute he was getting? and had fun chasing him after he started ‘annoying’ me. when i walked out of the ispark room, i ruffled his hair on the way. and elaine was like, ‘EH EH EH. got something going on eh?!’ erms?

the facs went for so-called facs outing which was eating at macs, stoning at the bus stop for half an hour, trying to decide where to go, and finaly deciding to go orchard where we couldn’t decide where to go AGAIN. so we went to the mrt station and sat down to discuss about the facs item. i left at 4.30 because i just didn’t know what i was there for.

i realised i’m not as sociable as i thought. i just can’t blend with the st nicks people. we’re so different and they’re always in conversations which i cannot join in, leading in me joining the guys’ conversations. now even vivian thinks that i’m flirting. maybe i am, but it’s mainly because i cant talk with the st nicks girls.

i think the hwachong guys are really nice to talk to, those conversations without a specific topic. like CAIHONGLIANG. he kept threatening to ignore me on msn next time if i kept irritating him and i was so submissive? NOOO! he cannot do that or i’ll seriously have nobody to talk to! and i started acting like my own self and ’sa jiao’ with him. and that ended up in everyone thinking that i have something going on with him. how can i have something going on with him when he keeps asking me to go find aw wenhao? rahh. ironic la.

gosh! im really excited about tomorrow though it will REALLY be super boring. but seeing the rest of the facils will be great. and like what tingyuan said, partially it’s because of the guys. it’s kind of obvious right? most girls are like this, aren’t they? and i’m starting to like tingyuan more and more as a gossipy junior though it’s kind of weird since we’re talking in front of a sec one about guys. but i think she’s really open to talk and not afraid of what people think about her. though this might just be another tactic to attract attention, i really do enjoy talking to her. really relaxed instead of like when i talk to vivian about guys. i guess the main problem with vivian is that she knows almost all the guys i know! due to the IMPORTANT fact that i meet them through interschool conventions, which she went as well. and i realised that i’m pretty desperate though.:/

i wonder if i should open this blog to chyifang and ONLY chyifang because i think she’s like someone i will tell everything to because she don’t know the people around me. but somehow, it’s tough for me to trust people more and more after my friendships with people like karon, yinmin and si’en fell through. but i think she can be trusted, and i also think she can’t. my posts are kind of too ‘off topic’ for her also. it’s like guys and more guys? and it’s not exactly very personal and private but it can be quite personal if i want it. but i can be sure that i will never let vivian or eehui know about this blog like FOREVER. unless they find it themselves.

[oh. and primary slc is coming and jasmine hussain is participating!]

last night, i was feeling really tormented and depressed because louisa started talking to me about chinese songs and i realised how ‘off’ i am from the mandopop scene. really miss last year when we sang our hearts off and the lyrics were used as msn nicknames. and i really sang IN TUNE. now my high notes are getting so off and my pitching and rhythm sucks even more. RAHH. i want my louisa laoshi! she’s such a huge influence on me, even though she herself (or even myself) don’t realise it at all. she made me get so interested in mandopop and singing and stay in the music scene. even though the songs can be kind of outdated but they are always nice songs with meaningful lyrics which will end up somewhere in our msn nickname. but there’s no chance of us being in the same class anymore since there won’t be a change in class next year and that SMARTY PANTS will sure get into raffles or hwachong which i WISH i will get in but i KNOW she and vivian have a super high chance of getting in. and me? NO CHANCE at all. maybe a small percentage of hope, about 20%? even if it’s really that little hope, i shall try my best and hope like MAD that i’ll do well and study hard! that’s really tough, but as the going gets tough, there’s always music and friends to cheer me on! not that i have a choice though, i’m not going to give myself a choice at all. i HAVE to do well and get in!

i really like the way i blog now because it sure sounds quite grammatically correct as well as minimal singlish. AND, it sure sounds like a professional blogger, not that i know how they blog. i’m contented and that’s good enough.

寄没有地址的信

这样的情绪有种距离

你放着谁的歌曲

是怎样的心情

能不能说给我听

雨下得好安静

是不是你偷偷在哭泣

幸福真的不容易

在你的背景有我爱你

我可以陪你去看星星

不用再多说明我就要和你在一起

我不想又再一次和你分离

我多么想每一次的美丽

是因为你幸福它真的不容易

feeling really emotional nowadays, like really emotional. i almost cried when eehui ‘lectured’ me. she was right though, highlighting the fact that i give excuses, which is really true. but as my bestie, she shouldn’t just say it so directly and that really hurt me.

but i think she changed over this term, like enlightened herself perhaps? and woke up from her slumber and stopped dreaming? she’s becoming really hardworking and that somehow is affecting our friendship. i mean, she’s supposed to be an influence to me, which she is. but in the wrong way. she’s attacking my ego, lowering my self esteem. i feel like a total clown now, like i’m born a clown, and acting like one. gosh. this is seriously ruining our friendship, drifting further and further apart. sigh. i’m not sure what is going to happen in the future but i hope i’ll enlighten myself too and be ‘more of her type’. rahh.. i’m in no mood to worry about friendship problems or should i say friends are not my first priority anymore. it used to be but it’s not anymore. it seems like my handling and controlling of my own emotions are taking over. my fluctuating moods, sudden sunshine and thunderstorms. must really learn how to do everything well, everything.

got back my ppr today. may seem quite horrible to most people but i’m really proud of myself because i improved. and it’s by 7 points which is a great achievement for me.

english–B3
chinese–B4
combined humanities–A2
literature– E8
additional mathematics–C5
elementary mathematics–C6
biology–B3
chemistry–C6
overall percentage–59.4%
L1R5–23
expected L1R5–10

getting closer to my perfect score and that’s fabulous. like oh so finally, i’ve improved but i still got to buck up and work on my attitude. thats TOUGH. but i’ll try, i’ll never know till i’ve tried my best. my perfect score.. *looks longingly at hwachong and raffles* actually more of hwachong because it’s more chinese educated and less affiliated students. BUT, yeeyin’s njc is opposite. RAHH. but i doubt i will meet her. in the first place, i doubt i’ll get in. nevermind! i shall just work harder to change my attitude!

really looking forward to both the hwachong and primary slc! and i feel like going for acjc crossroads too. sounds so fun. but i will have to be really disciplined and manage my time properly so i’ll do my homework! i guess changing my attitude will be worth it. i really really appreciate the fact that i’m in pmb, in assembly with huimin and tess and the rest, in so many fun activities. i really like it and i’m really bonded with them, really connected. i don’t want to leave them or the pmb. it’s becoming like my life? i really like it when i’m being recognized and shown that i’m significant. that’s the characteristic of a high-I person right? i guess i really have to find one day and self reflect.

qihang’s coming too and i’m quite excited for vivian. hope she does well. haven’t really been going out with her recently due to her paijus but after this it’ll all be over and we can have nice talks and gatherings again.

i hope everything pieces together after the holidays. including me.

[rahh. mental breakdown.]

RAHH. I LOVE MY NEW POSTING STYLE.

hey that was pretty random.

and i got lectured again. like AGAIN. had enough la. i’ll just talk to geraint wong after the june holidays ok? and i know you’re waiting for me to do it, if not you’ll do it for me. and i’m quite fine with that arrangement because i seriously don’t care anymore. you can say whatever you want– irresponsible and undeserving. seriously, i dont care anymore. so what if i laugh? you never know why i laugh right? what makes you think that i think that it’s funny? and what makes you NOT think that i’m just trying to hide my emotions. i tried my best to hold it in but i just couldn’t take it and cried in private. i don’t need your concern anymore, whetehr you all are my besties or not. you all just don’t get it, don’t get what i want and what i want is not what you can give. whether i do it right or wrong, i still have to hide my emotions and cheer for myself quietly in a corner or cry alone. you don’t even acknowledge my achievements and emphasize on my flaws. bad habits can’t be kicked this fast, i believe you have a bad habit too and i think you know what i mean. but why can’t you just show that you understand?

today was the second day of 13SLC facil training. it was quite boring as it was the introduction of consortium meeting and it was really quite boring as yiying was our so-called facil and she take things tad too seriously. but it was a good experience.

the SNfacs bonded loads today and i think all of us are quite fun. and GOSH, i showed everyone my zi high side already. ARGH. so fast. and i’m really looking forward to orchard orientation and mass games now since the rest of the days are pretty solemn and i should say, boring.

[but with me, everything will be fun.]

hope my group people will be fun! and i love the facs tee and the facs!

byul
param gyeoli changeul heundeulgo nae gimalhan jakeun nawei pan weouroareumduphge byulbijdeureul kadeul chaewojuneyomalhi aphahajimah nalkkok aneunchae dadokyojumyeojakjara weouro haejuneyo keodji mothalmankkeum himekyeowon aphawadonunmuli apeul karyeowado kajjimothal nae sarang aphedo nan useullaeyojamshimado kyeote haengboghattdeon giogdeureulkashime kanjig halkeyo du nune suno najin jeobyuldeulcheoreom yeongwonhi

huge events happened this weekend mainly the city duathlon and 13SLC facs training.

all i actually remember clearly from the city duathlon was that it was horrendously tiring. like HORRENDOUSLY. and it was fun especially since i was doing drinks station with eehui, roxanne, huipin, cassandra chee and tomoe! but like i said it was so tiring so typing it out will be tiring too.

as for 13SLC facs training, it was super fun. especially the interacting part! that sounds SO ME. we split into four groups for the training and i was in a group with people who i actually know–most of them, such as christine, andrea pang, hong liang, desmond, yoon siang, naifu, remus, dahwei and the rest whom i dont exactly remember their name. the orchard orientation was quite tiring in the sense that we really have to walk quite far and i hate crowds and exhaust gas from cars. the programmes people attached to us were elaine and daryl.

and somehow i think daryl is fun and corny i guess. though i think he’s a little biased towards me . and hongliang went off and told them that i laugh super easily and everyone started targeting me for the ‘honey do you love me’ game. and i burst out into laughter once they stared at me. fine..

so we walked around orchard, not really orchard la, should be from orchard all the way to smu which is at dhoby ghaut. and there were two trainers from ‘cheers’ which is a company which organises camps for kids and schools.

we were the last group to complete the whole walking thing. and according to daryl, it was my fault. fine. i admit i walk slowly but what to do when it’s so tiring? and he’s not entertaining me at all. dumbdumb.

THIRTEEN SLC FACS ALL THE WAY!

[pstt.. i can skip chinese and maths tomorrow because i've got facs training! whoots~! not like i have chinese because li lan laoshi got chicken pox!:( sorry for her. rest well li lan lao shi!]

and ALL THE WAY FOR THE NEW LIBRARY COMM!

i could just feel myself freezing at that time of moment and my tears starting to well up in my eyes. and in a second, i just couldn’t stop crying. my second time in my whole life that i’m crying for joy. i just couldn’t believe it and i just fell to the ground and cried. tears of joy and not pain or sadness. tears of hard work that i’m sure didn’t come from me but eehui and vivian. and i’m not going to claim credit because i know it’s not me who made all these possible. it’s them. therefore, i shall ensure that i will work hard for the powerpoint, which i doubt i can due to technical difficulties, or even the presentation. i can’t cause them to lose because i know, i can do it and i believe we all can. we’re already in the top four and i believe achieving a third will not be tough for us, not even a first can baffle us. we can do it, because we have a shared vision, a shared mission, a shared thought, most importantly, a shared friendship. and i’m still believing.

and all this because of THE PITCH, my first ever competition which have gone far.<3

and yuxi told me what post i am already! didn’t even expect to be inside since i’m in the elections every year but i don’t get in. which i think is a total big insult and humiliation. and finally i’m not insulted or humiliated. i’m the sec one level co.:) though that is like one of the lowest posts in library but everyone makes a difference in library. and i hope the library tee will turn out fab. and i’m starting to LOVE the sec fours just as they’re leaving. gosh. wish them luck for o’levels. and me.:)

i shall type a proper post today.(:

ok.. where shall i start? actually i dont know la.

i feel like changing my blog url and blogskin! ok that’s pretty random. but yeah. and perhaps i’ll make it kind of private? but thats so weird for me. urghs.

im super proud of myself. i got 21/25 for geog test. the previous one i got 19/25. so it’s a great improvement. and for the first time in my life, IM TOP IN CLASS! whoots~! cant believe myself la. i failed geog for two consecutive years and now.. bliss..

and rahh.. im so going to give up my sciences. i suck at science. sheesssshhhh.

oh and im a facil! facil facil! so nice of vivian to rang wo.(: thank you! yayness!

i cant wait for the june hols to come. not because of the camps, but because im desperate for the time where i will not see ms quek. seeing her everyday is like hell!

i cant think of anything la. :/ rahh.. other time la.

havent posted in ages. havent really used the computer. nothing much except that i got sick on friday and was freezing like mad. early dismissal so i could go home and sleep and go for midsummer’s night dream. was fine so i went for it but it came back afterwards. 39.3, was quite faint but luckily eehui’s mum fetched us from amk mrt station. if not i’ll faint. argh.. sick of pills la. 5 pills. yuck. and my throat feels as if the pills broke into pieces and attached to the sides. sheesh. nothing much to post about la. cant think.